


adios, motherfucker

by ryomakun



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, M/M, Nonbinary Pidge | Katie Holt, this.......is my debut??? im sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-07
Updated: 2016-11-07
Packaged: 2018-08-29 18:46:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 720
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8501191
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ryomakun/pseuds/ryomakun
Summary: "He wonders if Lance likes tigers. Lance plays soccer and Tony the Tiger plays soccer so that must mean Lance likes tigers, right? Therefore, Lance would like him. All this drinking makes it much easier to connect dots."OR: Keith can't hold his alcohol for shit. He also can't flirt to save his life.





	

**Author's Note:**

> shitpost in fic form!!!!! nice!! *ok sign emoji*
> 
> (i really have no explanation for this.......... anyway....)

Keith's not much of a party person, but Pidge heard from a friend of a friend of a friend that Lance's roommate would be there, which meant Lance would also probably be there since they were practically attached at the hip. Some people would call him pathetic, but Keith just thinks of himself as slow moving and patient. Like a cat. Like a _tiger_.

"That's creepy," some people would say, and Keith thinks they should shut up. Tigers are cool. Graceful, even. Powerful and majestic. _Wow, this drink is really good_ , Keith thinks to himself blearily, _I wonder what it is_.

"It's an AMF." Keith blinks and sees Pidge staring at him, a large smirk in place. "Wow, your alcohol tolerance is really shit."

"No I'm just skinny," Keith protests. Or, well, he tries, but the AMF-- _what the hell is an AMF_ \--makes his tongue heavier than it usually is, so the first part of the sentence kind of jumbles together.

"Nmjsuthkinny," is what Pidge hears. "You are _really_ drunk," Pidge laughs.

Keith sways a little. He's not, okay. Everyone is just blurry. "Shut up," Keith mumbles. He wonders if Lance likes tigers. Lance plays soccer and Tony the Tiger plays soccer so that must mean Lance likes tigers, right? Therefore, Lance would like him. All this drinking makes it much easier to connect dots. "Why haven't I thought of this before," Keith says to himself.

"Oh, Lance is here."

Immediately whipping his head around, Keith locates Lance from the shine of baby blue in a sea of normal hair colors. Apparently, that had been some sort of prank Hunk and Allura pulled on him, but personally, Keith likes it. He likes how it makes Lance look all innocent, because then Lance totally ruins it by opening his mouth. It's cute.

"Cute," Keith says. Pidge snorts.

"Here's an idea. Since you're having so much trouble talking to him like a normal person without peeing yourself, just say initiate_conversation_mode_crush_sequence.exe. Lance's a computer science major, right, so his brain will process it like a computer."

That sounds like a lot to say. Keith doesn't know if his tongue can handle that many words. "Will it really work?" It doesn't sound like it'd work. What kind of pick-up line was that? A terrible one. No wonder Pidge never got any.

"You said that out loud, you little shit, don't think I didn't hear you." Pidge's smile reminds Keith of Bruce from Finding Nemo. Keith inches to the side, eyes trained on Pidge. Any sudden movement might provoke them into attacking. Rolling their eyes, Pidge brushes past Keith to head to the kitchen. Probably to harass Shiro again or something.

Usually, Lance is surrounded by a crowd of people, which is why Keith never has much of a chance to talk to him one-on-one. Not that Keith really could. But right now, for some reason, Lance is standing in a corner by himself, and the alcohol keeps telling Keith _This is your chance_!!! Tigers pounced on prey that were alone and weak, right? Keith frowns into his cup.

"That's a bad analogy," he says to it, "we're not trying to kill him and eat him."

"Kill and eat who?"

Keith looks up. Since when did he get in front of Lance? Or maybe Lance moved. Pursing his lips, Keith looks at the corner where Lance had been standing and then looks at where Lance is now and determines that Lance had seen him and come up to him. Which means Lance wants to talk to him. Keith can't help the ridiculous smile that spreads on his face.

"I..." Keith starts, then makes the mistake of actually _looking_ at Lance. There's an amused, maybe even fond, expression on his face. "Um."

"How many drinks have you had? Your face is so red," Lance laughs. Keith's brain starts shutting down.

"Initiate_conversation_mode_crush_sequence.exe," Keith manages, because that's the only thing he remembers right now, aside from _Don't fucking pass out like last time_. He slurs over the vowels and whistles over the s's. Lance stares at him like he's grown a third arm.

And then Keith's brain kicks into overdrive and fuck, what the _fuck_ , of course that won't work, Pidge's advice never works, why the hell—

"Oh my god," Lance says.

"Fuck," Keith whispers.


End file.
